Вицотека

vleguva starec vo apteka i i vika na aptekarkata da mu dade vijagra i ok kupil viagra.

Javni natječaj za kopanje tunela. Otvaraju se ponude. Prvo se otvara koverta njemačke firme. Izlazi predstavnik firme i prezentira projekt.
-"Kopanje tunela ćemo raditi sa obadvije strane brda i spojiti ih kad se sretnemo na sredini. Cijena je možda malo veća, ali je zato vjerojatnost da se sretnemo, zahvaljući našoj made in Germany tehnologiji, visokih 95%."

Slijedeća koverta je kompanija iz Amerike. Izlazi i Amerikanac.
- "I mi ćemo kopati sa obadvije strane brda i sresti se u sredini. Naša cijena je još veća nego kod kolega iz Njemačke, ali je i vjerojatnost da se sretnemo ekstremnih 99.5%"

Treća koverta je ponuda firme iz Bosne. Izlazi naš Mujo.
- "Čujte gospodo, ni mi nismo mačiji kašalj. I mi kopamo tunel sa obadvije strane brda. Naša cijena je pola cijene od Nijemaca, a što se tiče sretanja, e to vam kod nas ide 'vako: ako se sretnemo-sretnemo, a ako se ne sretnemo, imate dva tunela!"

-obvinet, vie ste go udrile sosedot ivan dvapati so tapa sekira, zasto?
-Zasto nemav vreme da ja naostram.

Тој Угадуду се викал

- Da li je tačna vest Radio Jerevana da je Aleksej Aleksejevič iz Tbilisija dobio automobil na lutriji?

- U principu je tačna, samo to nije Aleksej Aleksejevič, nego Ivan Ivanovič, i nije iz Tbilisija, nego iz Moskve. I nije u pitanju automobil nego motocikl. I nije ga dobio, nego su mu ga ukrali.

Old Testament, Genesis:


1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he
created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let
the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard
disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put
floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers
and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and
big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took
a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look
up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the
Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it
was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill
said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and
every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did
not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier
to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows
could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmers that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And
God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I
am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And
God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the
Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by
all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you
will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you
will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

Десет црногорских заповјести:
1. Човјек се роди уморан и живи зато да би се одморио.
2. Љуби кревет свој кâ себе самог.
3. Одмарај се дању да ноћу можеш спавати.
4. Не ради - рад убија.
5. Ако видиш неког да се одмара - помози му.
6. Не чини данас оно што можеш сутра, а оно што оставиш за сутра није заслужило да се уради.
7. Ради мање но што можеш, а оно што можеш пре*ачи на друге.
8. У хладу је спас - од одмарања још нико није умро.
9. Рад доноси болест - не умри млад.
10. Кад случајно зажелиш радити, сједни и причекај, видјет ћеш - проћи ће те.