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Women are complicated creatures. You need stuff.
Lots of it. And you expect your man to provide it,
even if you haven’t explained what it is you need
and want, or even if what you needed and wanted five minutes
ago is wholly different from what you need and want now. In
fact, I’ve said over and over again jokingly that the only way a
woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four
different men—an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay
guy. Now the four of them combined? They got you covered.
The old man—he’ll sit around the house with you, spend his
pension check on you, hug you, hold you, give you comfort,
and won’t expect any sex from you because, well, he can’t get
it up no way. From him, you get financial security. The ugly
one? He’ll go above and beyond the call of duty to help you
out: he’ll take the kids to their lessons after school, run you
down to the grocery store, wash the car on the weekends,
babysit the cat—whatever you need, he’ll provide it because
he’s just happy someone as beautiful as you is paying him any
kind of attention. From him, you get “me time.” He frees you
up to do all the things you need time to do. And then there’s
the Mandingo man. You need a big ol’ Mandingo man. You
know what you gonna get from him. He’s big, he’s not that
smart, can’t hold a good conversation, got muscles popping out
from his eyebrows to his pinkie toe and when you see him, you
know he’s going to put your back out. That’s all you want from
him, and he makes sure he gives it to you real good. Mindblowing
sex—that’s what you get from Mandingo. And then
you need a gay guy—someone you can go shopping with, who
doesn’t want anything from you but gossip and details about
what the old man bought you, which errands you sent the ugly
guy to take care of, and exactly how Mandingo had you doing
monkey flips for a week. See, the gay guy gives you all the
conversation you need (smile).
Four guys, supplying each of your needs should bring you
happiness. I say should because for women, happiness isn’t guaranteed,
even once their needs have been met. We fully recognize
that you maintain the right to change at any time the
perimeters, conditions, and specifics of what, exactly, will make
you happy, and we try to adjust accordingly, and usually can’t.